is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
my liver is dry heaving
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
