I'm going to jail i love you
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I understand Curling. That high.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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