ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Please don't give away my fajitas
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