I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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