i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
