I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize