she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize