when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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