I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
