why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
