I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
