I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
