Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
