id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
