I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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