You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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