I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
