Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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