You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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