Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
