His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
