My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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