are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
