Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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