I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
