Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
