piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
