awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
