I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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