Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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