I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
