And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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