his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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