so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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