My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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