Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am naked and annoyed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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