i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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