I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
