My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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