Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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