Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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