Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
