I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
