I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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