He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
