Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
