I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize