I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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