So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
