The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
