You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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