do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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