I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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