We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
