If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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