I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
