true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
