Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Boobs are out for the taking
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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