you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
