There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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