Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
