She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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