Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
