turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
