Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
