I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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