I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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