someone get that fucking seahorse.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
