Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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