He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
did i walk over a car last night?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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