Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sex in the backyard? Check.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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